Do you want to fight a midget riding an 800 pound 4 armed monkey? If the answer is yes, go play Borderlands 2. If the answer is no then you are sad and I’ve no desire to speak with you further.
This review is over.
Umm. I’ve been hearing some of the criticism of the criticism of The Dark Knight Rises and the sheer hatefest the internet has spurned due to negative reviews of The Dark Knight Rises, which includes being called gay, a doodie head, and a knob slobber, oh and death threats. And I don’t want any of that, sooooo…
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES IS AMAAAAAZAAY!! IT’S EPIC, IT’S FUNNY, IT’S THOUGHT-PROVOKING(WITHOUT MAKING YOU RECONSIDER ANY OF YOUR BELIEFS OR TENDENCIES) IT’S PISS-YOUR-PANTS-AT-THE-EDGE-OF-YOUR-SEAT-BECAUSE-YOUR-BLADDER-GOT-IRRATATED-FROM-THE-3-32oz-PEPSI’S-YOU-DROKE-AND-ALSO-FROM-SITTING-ON-THE-EDGE-OF-YOUR-SEAT-FOR-TOO-DAMN-LONG-AWESOME!! IT’S BETTER THAN THE SECOND!! BUT NOT IN ANY DETRIMENTAL WAY. IT’S EVERYTHING YOU WANTED AND MORE! IT’S THE SECOND COMING!! SO PLEASE DON’T SEND ME DEATH THREATS! ANYTHING BUT THAT! I CAN’T HANDLE THOSE EMPTY HATEFUL GAY ASS WORDS! PLEEEEEEAAAASSSSEEEE!! I’LL GIVE THE DARK KNIGHT RISES MY HIGHEST RECOMENDATION
2000 BATS OUT OF 5
Joel Goodson (Tom Cruise) is a high school student who lives with his wealthy parents in the North Shore area of suburban Chicago. His father wants him to attend Princeton University, his alma mater, so Joel participates in Future Enterprisers, an extracurricular activity in which students work in teams to create small businesses.
When his parents go away on a trip, Joel is left with explicit instructions not to touch the stereo system and not to use his father’s Porsche. Joel’s friend, Miles (Curtis Armstrong), convinces him to take advantage of his newfound freedom to have some fun. On the first night, he raids the liquor cabinet, plays the stereo loudly, and dances around the living room in his underwear, socks and pink dress shirt to “Old Time Rock and Roll“. Later, he and his friend Barry (Bronson Pinchot) take the Porsche out and drive it recklessly.
The following day, Miles calls a call girl named Jackie on Joel’s behalf despite his frustrated objections. Jackie (Bruce A. Young) turns out to be a tall, masculine transvestite. Joel reluctantly pays Jackie most of the money his parents gave him to go away, but before she leaves, she gives Joel the number for Lana, another prostitute, promising that she’s “what every white boy off the lake wants”.
That night, Joel is unable to sleep and hesitantly calls Lana (Rebecca De Mornay). She turns out to be a gorgeous blonde and they have sex all night. The following morning, Lana asks Joel for $300 for her services. Having no money in the house, he goes to the bank, but when he returns, Lana is gone, along with his mother’s expensive Steuben crystal egg. Joel and Miles find Lana at a restaurant and demand the egg back, but they are interrupted by Lana’s pimp, Guido (Joe Pantoliano), who pulls a gun. Joel (in his father’s Porsche 928) is chased by Guido, but manages to escape.
The next morning, Lana tells Joel that the egg is with the rest of her stuff at Guido’s. Joel lets Lana stay at his house while he goes to school. When he returns, his friends are over, and Lana has invited another prostitute, Vicki (Shera Danese), to stay. Later, Lana mentions to Joel that his friends should collaborate with her friends to make money. Joel rejects the idea.
That night, Joel, Lana, Vicki, and Barry go out. They get stoned, and while Vicky and Barry wander away, Joel and Lana talk. Lana takes offense to something Joel says and leaves. While retrieving her purse from Joel’s car, she inadvertently moves the shifter out of gear. Moments later, the car rolls down the hill and onto a pier, despite Joel’s futile attempt to stop it. The pier collapses, dumping the Porsche into Lake Michigan. Joel takes the car to a repair shop and is horrified to learn how much it will cost to fix it.
Arriving tardy to school, Joel realizes his lateness will cause him to fail 2 midterms. He attempts to explain his situation to the school nurse but is coldly rebuffed. He grabs the nurse by the collar and calmly demands compassion. Following this, Joel is suspended for 5 days and kicked out of Future Enterprisers. He goes to see Lana, who decides to turn the Goodsons’ house into a brothel for a night; Joel’s share of the profits will pay for the car repairs.
The party is a huge success; the house is packed with Joel’s friends and classmates and Lana’s co-workers. However, Rutherford (Richard Masur) chooses that night to evaluate Joel for admission to Princeton. The interview is plagued by interruptions, and Rutherford is unimpressed by Joel’s resume. Unaffected by the apparent rejection, Joel famously puts on a pair of Wayfarers and joyously exclaims, “Looks like university of Illinois!” Afterwards, Rutherford stays at the party and becomes acquainted with Lana’s friends. After the party, Joel and Lana go and have sex on the deserted Chicago ‘L’.
The next morning, Joel finds his house has been burgled. When he tries to call Lana, Guido answers; he tells Joel that he will let Joel buy back his furniture. Joel buys back all of the furniture, the final piece being the glass egg. Guido’s female associate tosses the egg like a football and Joel just barely manages to catch it before it hits the ground. Fortunately, Joel and his friends manage to get everything moved back in just as his parents walk in, though his mother notices a crack in her egg. Joel eventually accepts responsibility and goes out to rake the yard. His father comes up to him and excitedly informs Joel that Rutherford was satisfied with the interview and said “Princeton could use a guy like Joel”.
Joel meets Lana at a restaurant, and they speculate about their future. She tells him that she wants to keep on seeing him; he jokes that it will cost her. In a final voiceover, Joel reveals that, for his Future Enterprises class, he “deals in human fulfillment” and it has turned quite a profit. He ends by quoting Guido: “Time of your life, huh kid?”
All in all, if you’re a fan of Tom Cruise, Teenagers, and Whores (and who isn’t?) Then you’ll love Risky Business. Risky Business is a fun, enjoyable romp from beginning to end, if not somewhat forgettable.
FIVE HATS OUT OF FIVE
May I take your order? Oh what’s that me? I said I want to do the worst reviews imaginable? Sure I’LL DO THAT. But first, I’ll need a website, but it has to be free, and crappy because I’m cheap…OH, I KNOW! I’ll use wordpress! And I shall dub this abortion of a website…THE WORST REVIEW SITE EEEEEVAR! @garbagereviews.wordpress.com.
Class is now in session. It’s time how to show those amaturrs how it’s done.